Confused Why He/She Had an Affair?
When we know that our partner had an affair, we might feel angry, disappointed, and sad. But more than that, we might be wondering, “Why?”
You might feel like you’ve done many things for your partner. Trying to look nice in front of him/her, preparing all their needs, doing everything they asked for, supporting what they’re doing. But why does he/she still cheats on you?
Well, there are several potential factors why someone has an affair as outlined from the Journal of Sex Research (2019):
Reason #1: Falling in love (again)
People say that there are millions of feelings involved in falling in love. That’s true, that’s what we often feel. Just a single chat from him/her and we have butterflies in our stomach. But, we could not always be in the position of ‘falling’ in love. We also have to ‘maintain’ and ‘build’ our love for our partners. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. More than 77% of participants in a study show that a lack of love for their partner or the presence of a greater feeling of love for another is the reason why they cheat.
Reason #2: Situation and Opportunities Factor
Some people assert that situations and opportunities play a big role in the process of an affair. This scenario most often occurs in LDR (Long Distance Relationship) couples. They usually use ‘distance’ as an excuse for a lack of closeness with their partner. That being added with the opportunity to meet other women/men results in an affair. They said they were ‘khilaf’, KALMers …
Reason #3: Anger
KALMers, you might feel angry with your partner (or the other way round) because you feel he/she doesn’t understand you, you don’t get what you supposedly need from a relationship, or even feel overwhelmed by jealousy. But you need to know that 43% of participants of a study stated that ‘anger’ is one factor in why they cheat on their partners. Hence, we need to be mindful and not be carried away with emotions.
Reason #4: Sexual Needs
In a relationship, sometimes, one partner feels that their sexual needs are not being met. It is not uncommon for the person to cheat in order to fulfill their desires, rather than communicate the issue to their partner.
Talking about sex in a relationship might feel awkward and taboo, but it is still important to be discussed if necessary. If KALMers is not sure who to discuss it with, how to talk about it, or is afraid of being judged; KALMers can try to consult with Kalmselor via chat or video (link).
Reason #5: Difference in Commitment
It is not impossible for couples in a relationship to have different thoughts and commitments about the relationship. For instance, the man assumed that one day their relationship would escalate into a marriage. Whereas, the woman might decide to start the relationship without thinking about marriage. In this case, cheating is usually used as a way to avoid this commitment.
Therefore, before you decide to start a relationship, make sure you have the same principles and commitments as your partner, KALMers!
Reason #6: The Problem of Self-esteem
The sixth point may be difficult to understand, considering that cheating will have negative consequences on how other people perceive us. But in fact, for some people, having an affair can increase their self-esteem. For them, being able to receive love from other people makes them feel more attractive and confident.
Reason #7: Bored/Wanting to Try Something New
Apart from problems in the relationship, infidelity can also be caused by boredom. Not only related to sexual relations, boredom in this case can be in terms of communication styles and ways of showing affection. Men use this excuse to cheat more often than women.
Reason #8: No Boundary
Some people do everything for their partners and will support them no matter what. But apparently, this could be the problem. When someone continues to take for granted whatever their partner does to them, he/she is giving a signal that the partner can do whatever they want, including cheating. Being honest in enforcing boundaries by saying, “No”, is important in a relationship. Your caring and support will worth-nothing without boundaries.
Read “Emotional Boundaries With Our Partners Are Important!” to know more about the importance of this for your relationship.
Reason #9: Need To Self Gratify
In addition to the eight reasons mentioned above, Mark Manson, the writer of the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k” simplifies the reason why someone has an affair. One of the reasons is an excessive need for self-gratification.
When a person has a great desire to fulfill their self-gratification (lust), he/she will use every means to fulfill it. One way is by having an affair. In this case, one’s maturity plays an important role. A mature person will be able to put off self-gratification in favor of a more important lifelong commitment.
So, it could be said that people who cheat are people who aren’t mature enough to hold off their lust desire and maintain their commitments, KALMers.
Let’s Not Cheat On Our Partner
Those were some reasons why someone is cheating. It is worth remembering that aside from any background reasons, having an affair is not the right thing to do. If there are any problems with your relationship, you should communicate it carefully with your partner, KALMers.
Do not hesitate also to speak to one of our Kalmselors if you feel the need to talk with someone about your experience through our KALM App that can be downloaded from here.
Author: Rachma Fitrianing Lestari
Translator: Jessica Delphina Lay
Editor: Lukas Limanjaya
Manson, M. (n.d.). Why people cheat in relationships. Mark Manson. Retrieved from: https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat
Raypole, C. (2019, October 11). Why do people cheat? 17 reasons and tips for moving past it. Healthline. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/why-people-cheat
Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research, 56, 273-286
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